Sports Bars: Champs In The League

Though I don’t have a problem with a visit to The Sports Centre Café or a trip to Hoops, I’m not a huge fan of their ESPN meets family restaurant aesthetic. Sure the food’s tasty and the waitresses are hot, but half the TVs in the place are tuned to golf or NASCAR. I prefer a bar that features real sports; hockey, football, boxing… even baseball will do. Sports that people have been watching in bars for years, back to the days when your only choices were bottle or draft, pretzels or nuts. It’s not that I want to watch the Leafs on a vintage 13 inch B&W with a bowl of unshelled peanuts, but I’d appreciate it if the atmosphere was a little closer to the type of joint I drink in every other night of the week; dark, worn in and comfortable with a unique local charm.


Over the years I’ve settled on a few spots that deftly balance the ratio of flat screen plasmas, chesty broads and beer promos with a great wing recipe, dim lighting and a clientele that loves sports and serious drinking in equal measure. Toronto’s Main Event is good, as is Tiff’s in Barrie, but my favourite by far is Champs in Montreal. Believe it or not the ladies discovered this one. We boys were off in Ottawa watching the US get trounced by Slovakia at the World Juniors. Imagine our pleasant surprise when les filles texted us their location midway through the 3rd period, a franco tavern, tucked away on the second floor of a building on St. Laurent. We met them there later in the evening for the start of the Flyers game and immediately fell in love with the place. It’s difficult to quantify the experience, but I’ll begin by saying there is a living room lounge by the front window that has couches, recliners and more than a dozen TVs, each tuned to a game of your choice. If that’s not enough to sell you on the place, there’s an off track bookie upstairs and enough Habs memorabilia to fill a museum. Don’t even consider showing up sporting a Leafs jersey though; us anglos have historically handed the frogs their asses but these guys clearly weren’t on the battle lines. They were too busy putting away quarts of Cinquante and plates of poutine.

Reasons To Hit the Bottle, #1: You'll Never Be As Eloquent As A Drunk From Minneapolis

Exhibit A:

Temple Bar: Old Fashioned Drinking

Once in a while a guy’s got to step up, put down his sports beer and be a gentleman. When such an occasion arises it’s time to pick up a cocktail, preferably a classic one, in a low ball glass with a bare minimum of fruit, swords and other accruements. There are a number of suitable, masculine options, but my favourite is an Old Fashioned, a solid drink that tastes decent and won’t leave you looking like a total pussy. Invented at the Pendennis Club in Kentucky in the twilight of the 19th Century many scholars believe it is the world’s first cocktail. The recipe later made its way to the Waldorf-Astoria in New York, where, incidentally, you can also visit my favourite cocktail lounge, Lafayette Street’s Temple Bar, for their acclaimed version of the drink. If you’d prefer to give it a shot in the comfort of your own rec room, follow this traditional recipe from Garden and Gun magazine.

U of T: Frosh Food and Fucking Tour

Whether you're starting your first term at U of T or just enjoy drinking like a 17 year-old, this map should prove useful in plotting an off-the-chain-off-campus tour. In the interest of everyone else's sanity, please refrain from discussing Derrida, Foucoult, Sociology, The West Bank, the NDP, Jack Layton, Olivia Chow, "the other," ethnocentrism, Belmont Milds, Chomsky, No Logo, bicycling and labour unions.


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A. Duff's Wings - The best in Toronto. Lay the foundation for your night on the town with a pound of hot and a pitcher of beer.
B. Clinton's - Your BUG girlfriend is going to be hungry after an hour at Duff's lobbying for PETA. Stop here for a Coors while she tries the vegetarian poutine.
C. The Beer Station - Drop by McBeers for bargain domestics.
D. Paupers - Take the ladies to the rooftop patio for the poor man's panorama view of Toronto's downtown skyline.
E. The Tap - Catch the the third period, a shot of Jager and a game of tabletop pac man.
F. The Brunswick House - Wait in line for criminally cheap pitchers and liquored up coeds.
G. The Green Room - Sigor Ros and pad thai... really not as terrible as it sounds.
H. Bistro 422 - Find your balls again before visiting. Had enough to drink? Not yet! Grab an $8 pitcher.
I. Sneaky Dee's - Order the Kings Crown and eat it all yourself. You're going to need something to soak up all that booze.

Titties, Ass and Taco Dip: Betty's

Having just extolled the many virtues of Sneaky Dee’s, it’s difficult to come up with anything original to say about Betty’s, its kindred spirit on Toronto’s east side. Betty’s, originally known as The Betty Ford Clinic, is another equal opportunity boozer with a large, dedicated and diverse clientele of students (mainly from George Brown’s nearby campus), office workers and journalists. I most often find myself there with other publishing types (sometimes on business, but most often not), loaded to the gills on pints of Creemore and noshing Dennis’ Deep Six. This is a six layer dip you’ve truly got to taste to believe, but I’ll warn you now that it’s probably got a calorie count somewhere in the neighbourhood of a half dozen Baconators. If you’re putting back a dump truck of fat and carbs you might as well do it in an atmosphere tastefully appointed with dozens of classic tittie and ass posters from the eighties. Ladies, don’t let this deter you, the wife tells me you are well taken care of in this department as well; the women’s washroom features some stunning appreciations of the masculine corporeal form.

Other amenities: patio

The Monarch Tavern: Could I See The Wine List Please?

I’m heading to the Monarch Tavern tonight to watch the game and it's got me thinking about sandwiches. About a year ago Caplansky’s opened their smoked meat operation at the back of this chilled out neighbourhood joint and it’s become a bit of a destination. This is kind of a strange turn of events, as the Monarch’s not exactly the type of place you’d expect discerning diners to frequent; I doubt they’ve washed the floors in the past decade and their wine selection is limited to either house red or white. Nevertheless, the sandwiches are amazing and I’m more than happy to eat mine with a pint of Bud Lite. If you’re not familiar with Montreal smoked meat, I’d suggest you acquaint yourself as soon as possible and barring a trip to La Belle Province the Monarch is your best bet.


Other amenities: pool table, jukebox, Cherry Cott

This Side of Paradise: Sneaky Dee’s

Here’s what you need to know. Sneaky Dee’s has fucking amazing nachos. They also have incredibly cheap beer. Everyone in Toronto drinks there (students, lawyers, even my mom on occasion). Pretty much every band from Toronto has played there. It’s the type of bar you can bring your baby to, get in a fist fight at and listen to both Tom Petty and crazy shit like this:



Sneaky Dee’s is an alcoholic utopian’s Shangri-La, a place where everyone goes home drunk, happy and well fed, or, if you’d prefer to stay the night, they’ll make you brunch for four bucks.