If You’re Into That Kind of Thing: NOFX Fixated DJs

I met up with the Girlnasium crew at the Wheat Sheaf last night for wings, pints and saccharine ruminations upon our scandal plagued years at York U. After settling the tab we achieved quorum, determined more beers were in order and headed for 751 on Queen, a decent spot with $3.50 bottles of PBR. I hadn’t been to this joint in a while, but it seems their position on hilarious DJs remains firmly in effect as our pinball tourney was played out to an obsessively curated set of NOFX’s greatest hits. It’s been a while since I heard The Moron Brothers, but it was actually remarkably fitting for the occasion.

Regional Resources: Alt-Weeklies, Bullshit and Booze for Free Every Thursday

Alt-weeklies are essential reading for travelling executives in search of tranny-escorts and sanctimonious university undergrads who need to keep abreast of the latest developments in eco-conscious trade union sexual-self-empowerment BS. For the rest of us they’re a reliable source for concert listings and movie showtimes. They’re also a valuable tool when pre-planning a drinking trip to a new city. Most free weeklies maintain a comprehensive online archive that typically includes a regular food and drink column and an annual “Best Bars” supplement. Sift through the inevitable rave reviews for vegan cafés and you’ll find valuable intelligence on local happy hours, mainstay taverns and student neighbourhoods. You can use this basic information to do a more targeted Google search which will often turn up some additional related recommendations, blog posts, flickr shots and myspace accounts that you can build the rough outline of your tour upon.

Here’s a list of the major Canadian alt-weeklies and some from the US that I read regularly;

Toronto – NOW, Eye Weekly
Montreal – Hour, Mirror
Halifax – The Coast
Ottawa – xPress
Calgary – FFWD Weekly
Edmonton – Vue, See
Vancouver – Georgia Straight
Winnipeg – Uptown
New York – Village Voice
Detroit – Real Detroit, Metro
Buffalo – Artvoice, The Beast

And here’s a comprehensive list of North American free weeklies from Wikipedia.

U of T: Frosh Food and Fucking Tour

Whether you're starting your first term at U of T or just enjoy drinking like a 17 year-old, this map should prove useful in plotting an off-the-chain-off-campus tour. In the interest of everyone else's sanity, please refrain from discussing Derrida, Foucoult, Sociology, The West Bank, the NDP, Jack Layton, Olivia Chow, "the other," ethnocentrism, Belmont Milds, Chomsky, No Logo, bicycling and labour unions.


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A. Duff's Wings - The best in Toronto. Lay the foundation for your night on the town with a pound of hot and a pitcher of beer.
B. Clinton's - Your BUG girlfriend is going to be hungry after an hour at Duff's lobbying for PETA. Stop here for a Coors while she tries the vegetarian poutine.
C. The Beer Station - Drop by McBeers for bargain domestics.
D. Paupers - Take the ladies to the rooftop patio for the poor man's panorama view of Toronto's downtown skyline.
E. The Tap - Catch the the third period, a shot of Jager and a game of tabletop pac man.
F. The Brunswick House - Wait in line for criminally cheap pitchers and liquored up coeds.
G. The Green Room - Sigor Ros and pad thai... really not as terrible as it sounds.
H. Bistro 422 - Find your balls again before visiting. Had enough to drink? Not yet! Grab an $8 pitcher.
I. Sneaky Dee's - Order the Kings Crown and eat it all yourself. You're going to need something to soak up all that booze.

Titties, Ass and Taco Dip: Betty's

Having just extolled the many virtues of Sneaky Dee’s, it’s difficult to come up with anything original to say about Betty’s, its kindred spirit on Toronto’s east side. Betty’s, originally known as The Betty Ford Clinic, is another equal opportunity boozer with a large, dedicated and diverse clientele of students (mainly from George Brown’s nearby campus), office workers and journalists. I most often find myself there with other publishing types (sometimes on business, but most often not), loaded to the gills on pints of Creemore and noshing Dennis’ Deep Six. This is a six layer dip you’ve truly got to taste to believe, but I’ll warn you now that it’s probably got a calorie count somewhere in the neighbourhood of a half dozen Baconators. If you’re putting back a dump truck of fat and carbs you might as well do it in an atmosphere tastefully appointed with dozens of classic tittie and ass posters from the eighties. Ladies, don’t let this deter you, the wife tells me you are well taken care of in this department as well; the women’s washroom features some stunning appreciations of the masculine corporeal form.

Other amenities: patio

The Monarch Tavern: Could I See The Wine List Please?

I’m heading to the Monarch Tavern tonight to watch the game and it's got me thinking about sandwiches. About a year ago Caplansky’s opened their smoked meat operation at the back of this chilled out neighbourhood joint and it’s become a bit of a destination. This is kind of a strange turn of events, as the Monarch’s not exactly the type of place you’d expect discerning diners to frequent; I doubt they’ve washed the floors in the past decade and their wine selection is limited to either house red or white. Nevertheless, the sandwiches are amazing and I’m more than happy to eat mine with a pint of Bud Lite. If you’re not familiar with Montreal smoked meat, I’d suggest you acquaint yourself as soon as possible and barring a trip to La Belle Province the Monarch is your best bet.


Other amenities: pool table, jukebox, Cherry Cott

This Side of Paradise: Sneaky Dee’s

Here’s what you need to know. Sneaky Dee’s has fucking amazing nachos. They also have incredibly cheap beer. Everyone in Toronto drinks there (students, lawyers, even my mom on occasion). Pretty much every band from Toronto has played there. It’s the type of bar you can bring your baby to, get in a fist fight at and listen to both Tom Petty and crazy shit like this:



Sneaky Dee’s is an alcoholic utopian’s Shangri-La, a place where everyone goes home drunk, happy and well fed, or, if you’d prefer to stay the night, they’ll make you brunch for four bucks.

New Day Rising: Hurricanes

When The Tap introduced grilled paninis I knew our time together had drawn to a close. Don’t get me wrong, The Tap remains one of the best bars in Toronto. You can still enjoy cheap pints of 50, shots of Jager and spirited table hockey matches overseen by four Elvis busts in full Kiss Army regalia. You’re welcome and encouraged to revel in their unholy marriage of professional sports and indie rock, but it’s just not for me anymore. I’ll miss Moe Berg’s Saturday night DJ set, but when the sandwiches came, my beloved bartenders, Chris and Jay, went. I’d wish I could say I’ve followed them to a sweet new haunt but sadly they’ve gone to lesser bars; Chris to the reviled Madison Pub and Jay to The Crooked Star, a trendy spot on Ossington which is surely less objectionable than the Maddie and its roofie slipping freshmen, but still less than inspired.



Instead, I’ve moved on to Hurricanes, which though not really a tavern, most certainly lives up to its billing as Roadhouse. I’m not exactly sure what Rubin Hurricane Carter has to do with the place, but his signature is proudly displayed on the wall beside my usual table. Hurricanes is much like The Tap was when I first visited years ago; a little rough around the edges, but comfortable as all get out. Lots of promotional clocks, neon signs and various sports bullshit adorn the walls and they’ve got an impressive collection of stubby bottles from the old days above the worn wooden bar. The clientele is largely neighbourhood folks; construction works, older men and sports fans… which doesn’t do much to explain the well stocked juke box (both The Replacements and Sir Mix a Lot) and hot punk rock waitresses. The service is friendly and attentive and they serve a good variety of beer, including 50, Bud and a nice selection of dad drinks (imports and micro brews). I’m just waiting for the night that Moe Berg discovers the place and moves his weekly gig over to Ossington and Bloor, then the transition will be complete.

Other amenities: covered patio out back, NHL Centre Ice