Old Drunks, The Lost Symbol, NHL and College Football Babes

The old drunks employ a complex algorithm to evaluate the quality of American hockey franchises. The exact formula is a closely guarded secret, revealed only at the 33rd degree of our brotherhood, in a ritual requiring cloaks, coffins and a tiny pyramid. TOP SECRET Shit. Without sacrificing my position in the organization I can tell you only that the the Blackhawks regular season record and the Islander's 1st over all pick have very little to do with our ranking. On a related note, here's some essential reading for NCAA football fans.

Pittsburgh: Nazi Grandmas and the 99 Cent Yuengling Experience

A couple of things that sucked about Pittsburgh;

One of the first locals we ran into was a seven foot tall, 350 pound giant proudly displaying his neo-Nazi affiliation while smoking the foulest cigar I’ve ever smelled in one of the tiniest bars I’ve ever visited.

The batshit crazy drunken grandma from Ohio who sat down beside us at the Steelers game, downed, no lie, 4 large beers in the first quarter and kept up the pace throughout the game, all the while farting in Mofo D’s face, prattling on about banging her husband (who sat three rows back, with an empty seat beside him) in the washroom and encouraging her five-year-old grandson to tell Browns fans they had “some shit on their shirt” before spilling a beer down the Gayman’s back.

Some things that are great about Pittsburgh;

Official Steelers merchandise is available in Real Tree patterns

$2 talls of Miller High Life in camo cans at the Jack Rose Bar, which opens at 7 am 365 days a year.

99 cent Yuenglings at the Onyx Inn aka the black bar, aka the bar from The Wire

$5 pitchers of PRB and Misfits tunes on the juke box at Dee’s

A pair of championship franchises that actually seem to respect their fans; a pretty stark contrast to Toronto’s Leafs, Raptors, Jays and Argos that do their damndest to alienate their supporters by sucking harder than Sasha Grey and charging more for an upper deck ticket than a three way with Ashley Dupre and Heidi Fleiss

And a final word of advice;

Expect to do a lot of walking through freeway tunnels, over suspension bridges and up highway embankments because there are NO FUCKING CABS IN THIS CITY!

"I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom."

Spent a couple hours reading the paper in the Maple Leaf Tavern on Gerard St. last weekend, and I’m pleased to say that I highly recommend the joint. In addition to $3.50 Bud Lite, can you get any better than watching Patton on a Saturday afternoon with a crew of shitfaced septuagenarians? Had a good laugh as the boys debated the whereabouts of the missing stars on Old Glory during the famous speech scene (lost to hi-def aspect ratio).


Additional info: No menu, but the bartender was chowing down on a cob of corn while he served my beers.

The Old Drunks Head for Hamilton South!

Enamoured as we are with urban decrepitude and concerned for the ongoing well-being of the American service industry in our post-industrial knowledge based economy the Old Drunks have settled upon Pittsburgh, PA as our sports trip destination for the fall of 2009.

Steel City USA shares a lot of history with its craptastic northern brother on Lake Ontario but has recently displayed a truly American plucky self-reliance, pulling itself up by the bootstraps, particularly in the assembly of winning sports franchises. We’re pretty excited to see the Pens and Steelers on home turf before heading the local bars for shots and beers. Based on some preliminary research, it would appear there are two major neighbourhoods to explore;

The Polish Hill/Strip District, an old school blue collar neighbourhood abutting a newly revitalized warehouse district:
Gooski’s, 3117 Brereton St. - a Polish local, perogi house and concert venue
31st Street Pub, 3101 Penn Ave. - a sweet looking Biker bar
Brillobox, 4104 Penn Ave. - a somewhat pretentious looking indie venue that offers vegetarian suppers to starving artists... on second thought, perhaps we should skip this place

And Southside/East Carson, which apparently boasts North America’s highest concentration of bars per square mile:
Jack Rose Bar, 1121 E. Carson St. - voted best "shot and beer bar" and best place to avoid hipsters in Pittsburgh's local alt-weekly
Brewski’s, 801 E Carson St. - famous for their foosball tables. At least they're famous for something
Smiling Moose, 1306 E. Carson St. - features a nice looking Coors sign in the window


View Pittsburgh Trip in a larger map

French Chicks and Facades

Good times in Montreal. Checked out a couple of new joints, most notably Le Belmont Sur Le Boulevard which was pretty sweet and has a nice open façade to scope the ladies on the main.

Some other pleasant discoveries;

1. L’ile Noire offers $5 pints of local microbrews for happy hour
2. Much like the Bronx bar in Detroit, The legendary Verres Stérilisés Tavern isn’t anywhere near as shitty as I’d imagined. It looks a bit foreboding from the street, but inside it’s actually reasonably clean and friendly. Cheap quarts of Coors, Bud and 50.
3. A (unjustifiably) deserted neighbourhood place called Bar Oliveira on Rachel that features$3 bottles and a pretty decent juke box.
4. I’ve never actually been to The Dominion (though I’ve endorsed it below). Turns out I was confusing it with McLeans Pub, which rules and features all of the sweet sweetness of being in business (in one form or another) for about a hundred years.

Horizons de élargissement et se diriger à la gouttière

Se diriger à l'événement principal pour notre exposition mensuelle de merde de karaoke ce soir; un prélude convenable à une La debauched Belle Province de dans de long-week-end. Dans l'esprit de l'aventure j'ai choisi uns nouveaux à moi des trous de merde de Montréal pour explorer intermédiaire des plats de poutine;

Le Petite Idee Fixe, 4857 Av Du Parc
Miami, 3831 St-Laurent St.
Brasserie Laurier, 266 avenue Laurier Est
Bar des Pins, 3714 Parc Avenue
Mad Hatter Saloon, 1220 Crescent
Cock and Bull, 1944 Sainte-Catherine St. W
Le Salon Officiel, 351 Roy E.

une carte

The Dominion Pub: Man Den in Montreal

Getting geared up for next month's Montreal trip and remembered this gem from our last visit. Just around the corner from Rue Sainte-Catherine, The Dominion is the perfect escape while your lady shops at Simon's. Don't let the grandeur of the soaring ceilings fool you, this relic of the 1970’s is unequivocally a man den. I can’t remember much about the beer list (thought they probably still serve OV), but the décor and matronly waitresses have obviously been around for decades and combine to evoke the comforts of better times. It’s a magical room; after a couple pints you almost expect to glance up and see the Expos on TV.

If You’re Into That Kind of Thing: NOFX Fixated DJs

I met up with the Girlnasium crew at the Wheat Sheaf last night for wings, pints and saccharine ruminations upon our scandal plagued years at York U. After settling the tab we achieved quorum, determined more beers were in order and headed for 751 on Queen, a decent spot with $3.50 bottles of PBR. I hadn’t been to this joint in a while, but it seems their position on hilarious DJs remains firmly in effect as our pinball tourney was played out to an obsessively curated set of NOFX’s greatest hits. It’s been a while since I heard The Moron Brothers, but it was actually remarkably fitting for the occasion.

Double Smokes in Chocolate City

A couple of friends are headed to DC for a wedding this weekend and asked if I could suggest a place to watch the Stanley Cup final. It would appear that the capital has its fair share of sports bars, but despite being the birthplace of the Champions franchise, they all seem to be more than a little douché. Based on some preliminary research and a quick perusal of Stop Smiling magazine’s DC issue I’m suggesting dinner at Ben’s Chili Bowl, a local landmark famously patronized by Bill Cosby, who held a press conference there to launch his eponymous TV show. It’s a Chocolate City institution, much like Nathan’s on Coney Island and Uno’s in Chicago.

After dinner it’ll be game time at either The Tune Inn or Hank Dietles’ Tavern. The Tune Inn was featured in Esquire’s Best Bars of America and looks fantastic. Get a load of this sweet interior shot:

Beers are cheap and if folks are still hungry after their half-smokes everything on the menu comes with a side of bacon.

On the other hand, these guys may be more inclined to a roadhouse tip. If so, Hank Dietles’ seems like the place to be.Washington’s City Paper says “There’s not a microbrew in sight, the giant beer bottle above the bar lights up when the phone rings, and the “wine list” simply reads WINE $3.00.” The price is rite with $1.50 Miller Lite and free chips and crock pot dip sound like a tasty snack if things go to overtime.

Neighbourhood Bars: Snake and Jake's Christmas Club Lounge, New Orleans

A friend of mine lives across the street from this place in New Orleans and drinks there regularly. Apparently Katrina had nothing to do with the state of (dis)repair. It's always looked like this.


(7612 Oak Street)

Regional Resources: Alt-Weeklies, Bullshit and Booze for Free Every Thursday

Alt-weeklies are essential reading for travelling executives in search of tranny-escorts and sanctimonious university undergrads who need to keep abreast of the latest developments in eco-conscious trade union sexual-self-empowerment BS. For the rest of us they’re a reliable source for concert listings and movie showtimes. They’re also a valuable tool when pre-planning a drinking trip to a new city. Most free weeklies maintain a comprehensive online archive that typically includes a regular food and drink column and an annual “Best Bars” supplement. Sift through the inevitable rave reviews for vegan cafés and you’ll find valuable intelligence on local happy hours, mainstay taverns and student neighbourhoods. You can use this basic information to do a more targeted Google search which will often turn up some additional related recommendations, blog posts, flickr shots and myspace accounts that you can build the rough outline of your tour upon.

Here’s a list of the major Canadian alt-weeklies and some from the US that I read regularly;

Toronto – NOW, Eye Weekly
Montreal – Hour, Mirror
Halifax – The Coast
Ottawa – xPress
Calgary – FFWD Weekly
Edmonton – Vue, See
Vancouver – Georgia Straight
Winnipeg – Uptown
New York – Village Voice
Detroit – Real Detroit, Metro
Buffalo – Artvoice, The Beast

And here’s a comprehensive list of North American free weeklies from Wikipedia.

Buffalo: I’ll Take the Wings, You Can Keep the Phish

I’ve been doing a bit of research for a mid-summer gentlemens' jaunt to Buffalo in pursuit of wings, Rolling Rock beer and taverns patronized by rust belt brutes whom are likely to kick my lilly livered, trillium loving Ontario ass.

Three rather disappointing things I’ve discovered;

1. Though The Beef is undoubtedly home to some sweet bars and restaurants, collectively they’ve got pretty much the most underwhelming online presence I’ve ever seen.
2. Almost every alehouse in the city proudly offers some sort of live entertainment… as if jam bands, blues duos and poetry slams were an attraction. I’m not sure what a Saturday night open mic is supposed to do for business, but I can’t imagine it brings in a heavy drinking clientele.
3. Apparently Phish is still pretty popular with the local undergrad population.

That being said, fear not my valiant comrades, I have judiciously separated wheat from chaff to establish this (somewhat less than comprehensive) list of potential destinations:

The Anchor Bar – Birthplace of Buffalo wings. Need I say more?

The Essex Pub – If the movies featured on their Myspace (Barfly and Trees Lounge) are anything to go by this place will be amazing.

Staples of Allentown – Their “private booths” look comfortable and the beer specials are nothing to turn your nose up at.

The Old Pink aka 223 Allen Street – Anthony Bordain’s No Reservations gives their steak sandwich and fried bologna two thumbs up.


Mulligan’s Brick Bar – Apparently locals have favoured Mulligan’s happy hour above all others for decades. I have no reason to argue with that sort of endorsement. Also, this recent review is pretty funny: "The last time I frequented this establishment, a friend of mine had his leather seats stolen out of his new 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible while we were having some liquid refreshment."


Sportsmen’s Tavern – With a name and façade like that I’ve got to see the inside. No other info to speak of though.

Mohawk Place – Buffalo’s indie rock venue. Tommy Stinson, The Hold Steady, Fugazi and The Brain Jonestown Massacre have all played there. Can’t be terrible.

Some other place of ill-repute that warrant exploration: Merlin’s, Sterling Place Tavern, Vinny’s and Broadway Joe’s.

Sports Bars: Champs In The League

Though I don’t have a problem with a visit to The Sports Centre Café or a trip to Hoops, I’m not a huge fan of their ESPN meets family restaurant aesthetic. Sure the food’s tasty and the waitresses are hot, but half the TVs in the place are tuned to golf or NASCAR. I prefer a bar that features real sports; hockey, football, boxing… even baseball will do. Sports that people have been watching in bars for years, back to the days when your only choices were bottle or draft, pretzels or nuts. It’s not that I want to watch the Leafs on a vintage 13 inch B&W with a bowl of unshelled peanuts, but I’d appreciate it if the atmosphere was a little closer to the type of joint I drink in every other night of the week; dark, worn in and comfortable with a unique local charm.


Over the years I’ve settled on a few spots that deftly balance the ratio of flat screen plasmas, chesty broads and beer promos with a great wing recipe, dim lighting and a clientele that loves sports and serious drinking in equal measure. Toronto’s Main Event is good, as is Tiff’s in Barrie, but my favourite by far is Champs in Montreal. Believe it or not the ladies discovered this one. We boys were off in Ottawa watching the US get trounced by Slovakia at the World Juniors. Imagine our pleasant surprise when les filles texted us their location midway through the 3rd period, a franco tavern, tucked away on the second floor of a building on St. Laurent. We met them there later in the evening for the start of the Flyers game and immediately fell in love with the place. It’s difficult to quantify the experience, but I’ll begin by saying there is a living room lounge by the front window that has couches, recliners and more than a dozen TVs, each tuned to a game of your choice. If that’s not enough to sell you on the place, there’s an off track bookie upstairs and enough Habs memorabilia to fill a museum. Don’t even consider showing up sporting a Leafs jersey though; us anglos have historically handed the frogs their asses but these guys clearly weren’t on the battle lines. They were too busy putting away quarts of Cinquante and plates of poutine.

Reasons To Hit the Bottle, #1: You'll Never Be As Eloquent As A Drunk From Minneapolis

Exhibit A:

Temple Bar: Old Fashioned Drinking

Once in a while a guy’s got to step up, put down his sports beer and be a gentleman. When such an occasion arises it’s time to pick up a cocktail, preferably a classic one, in a low ball glass with a bare minimum of fruit, swords and other accruements. There are a number of suitable, masculine options, but my favourite is an Old Fashioned, a solid drink that tastes decent and won’t leave you looking like a total pussy. Invented at the Pendennis Club in Kentucky in the twilight of the 19th Century many scholars believe it is the world’s first cocktail. The recipe later made its way to the Waldorf-Astoria in New York, where, incidentally, you can also visit my favourite cocktail lounge, Lafayette Street’s Temple Bar, for their acclaimed version of the drink. If you’d prefer to give it a shot in the comfort of your own rec room, follow this traditional recipe from Garden and Gun magazine.

U of T: Frosh Food and Fucking Tour

Whether you're starting your first term at U of T or just enjoy drinking like a 17 year-old, this map should prove useful in plotting an off-the-chain-off-campus tour. In the interest of everyone else's sanity, please refrain from discussing Derrida, Foucoult, Sociology, The West Bank, the NDP, Jack Layton, Olivia Chow, "the other," ethnocentrism, Belmont Milds, Chomsky, No Logo, bicycling and labour unions.


View Larger Map

A. Duff's Wings - The best in Toronto. Lay the foundation for your night on the town with a pound of hot and a pitcher of beer.
B. Clinton's - Your BUG girlfriend is going to be hungry after an hour at Duff's lobbying for PETA. Stop here for a Coors while she tries the vegetarian poutine.
C. The Beer Station - Drop by McBeers for bargain domestics.
D. Paupers - Take the ladies to the rooftop patio for the poor man's panorama view of Toronto's downtown skyline.
E. The Tap - Catch the the third period, a shot of Jager and a game of tabletop pac man.
F. The Brunswick House - Wait in line for criminally cheap pitchers and liquored up coeds.
G. The Green Room - Sigor Ros and pad thai... really not as terrible as it sounds.
H. Bistro 422 - Find your balls again before visiting. Had enough to drink? Not yet! Grab an $8 pitcher.
I. Sneaky Dee's - Order the Kings Crown and eat it all yourself. You're going to need something to soak up all that booze.

Titties, Ass and Taco Dip: Betty's

Having just extolled the many virtues of Sneaky Dee’s, it’s difficult to come up with anything original to say about Betty’s, its kindred spirit on Toronto’s east side. Betty’s, originally known as The Betty Ford Clinic, is another equal opportunity boozer with a large, dedicated and diverse clientele of students (mainly from George Brown’s nearby campus), office workers and journalists. I most often find myself there with other publishing types (sometimes on business, but most often not), loaded to the gills on pints of Creemore and noshing Dennis’ Deep Six. This is a six layer dip you’ve truly got to taste to believe, but I’ll warn you now that it’s probably got a calorie count somewhere in the neighbourhood of a half dozen Baconators. If you’re putting back a dump truck of fat and carbs you might as well do it in an atmosphere tastefully appointed with dozens of classic tittie and ass posters from the eighties. Ladies, don’t let this deter you, the wife tells me you are well taken care of in this department as well; the women’s washroom features some stunning appreciations of the masculine corporeal form.

Other amenities: patio

The Monarch Tavern: Could I See The Wine List Please?

I’m heading to the Monarch Tavern tonight to watch the game and it's got me thinking about sandwiches. About a year ago Caplansky’s opened their smoked meat operation at the back of this chilled out neighbourhood joint and it’s become a bit of a destination. This is kind of a strange turn of events, as the Monarch’s not exactly the type of place you’d expect discerning diners to frequent; I doubt they’ve washed the floors in the past decade and their wine selection is limited to either house red or white. Nevertheless, the sandwiches are amazing and I’m more than happy to eat mine with a pint of Bud Lite. If you’re not familiar with Montreal smoked meat, I’d suggest you acquaint yourself as soon as possible and barring a trip to La Belle Province the Monarch is your best bet.


Other amenities: pool table, jukebox, Cherry Cott

This Side of Paradise: Sneaky Dee’s

Here’s what you need to know. Sneaky Dee’s has fucking amazing nachos. They also have incredibly cheap beer. Everyone in Toronto drinks there (students, lawyers, even my mom on occasion). Pretty much every band from Toronto has played there. It’s the type of bar you can bring your baby to, get in a fist fight at and listen to both Tom Petty and crazy shit like this:



Sneaky Dee’s is an alcoholic utopian’s Shangri-La, a place where everyone goes home drunk, happy and well fed, or, if you’d prefer to stay the night, they’ll make you brunch for four bucks.

If You’re Into That Kind of Thing: Three Places To Drink Bud By The 32oz Styrofoam Cup

The wife and I discovered this regional treat at Rosie's last spring. Looks like it's catching on...
1. Rosemary’s Greenpoint Tavern, a neigbourhood classic known for it's well stocked jukebox, reliably cheap booze and full size washroom.
2. Farrell’s Bar and Grill, well, actually no grill, but off duty NYPD/NYFD types hang out here so it must be good.
3. Jeremy’s Ale House is located in a converted loading dock under the Brooklyn Bridge. Picturesque? No. Unique? Yes.

Regional Resources: Sports Illustrated, Finding the Perfect Sports Bar

It’s a bit dated (2005), but this article and accompanying list should prove to be a valuable tool when planning your next sports trip. I can vouch for Nemo’s in Detroit, which was the second stop on our gentlemen’s getaway to Murder City last November for a NHL/NFL double header. The décor is a rather charming cross between a 1970’s pizza parlour and a small town VFW legion hall that’s especially welcoming after a stroll down deserted Michigan Avenue. Though the menu is sparse, “just burgers, chips and nuts after lunch,” service on paper plates is perfect for the $1 shuttle to the game. Hell, the bartender will even give you a beer for the road (in a plastic cup).

Post SoHo Sanity-Recovery System: A LES Dinner and Drinking Strategy

Ever spent an afternoon being dragged around SoHo while your wife shops for shoes? Ever wonder why the fuck there isn’t a single bar in the neighbourhood where you could relax? Me too. I don’t imagine this problem will be addressed in our lifetime but here’s the next best thing: a handy map to mental salvation… starting with a monstrous pastrami sandwich:


View Larger Map
A. Katz Deli – “New York’s Oldest and Best Delicatessen.” Suggested order: pastrami sandwich , a pickle on the side and a lemonade
B. Cake Shop – Café and noise rock venue. Suggested order: desert and coffee
C. Max Fish – Former Alleged Gallery social club. Suggested order: bottle of Bud
D. Slipper Room – David Lynchian burlesque bar. Suggested order: either a whiskey or a Coors… depends on what the ladies look like
E. Mason Dixon – Southern themed frat party complete with mechanical bull. Suggested order: shot and a beer
F. East Side Company Bar – Fancy pants speakeasy owned by the Milk and Honey people. Look for the door through a sheet of plywood beside the alleyway… there’s a small brass plate engraved with the address. Suggested order: an Old Fashioned, or something else suitably classy

New Day Rising: Hurricanes

When The Tap introduced grilled paninis I knew our time together had drawn to a close. Don’t get me wrong, The Tap remains one of the best bars in Toronto. You can still enjoy cheap pints of 50, shots of Jager and spirited table hockey matches overseen by four Elvis busts in full Kiss Army regalia. You’re welcome and encouraged to revel in their unholy marriage of professional sports and indie rock, but it’s just not for me anymore. I’ll miss Moe Berg’s Saturday night DJ set, but when the sandwiches came, my beloved bartenders, Chris and Jay, went. I’d wish I could say I’ve followed them to a sweet new haunt but sadly they’ve gone to lesser bars; Chris to the reviled Madison Pub and Jay to The Crooked Star, a trendy spot on Ossington which is surely less objectionable than the Maddie and its roofie slipping freshmen, but still less than inspired.



Instead, I’ve moved on to Hurricanes, which though not really a tavern, most certainly lives up to its billing as Roadhouse. I’m not exactly sure what Rubin Hurricane Carter has to do with the place, but his signature is proudly displayed on the wall beside my usual table. Hurricanes is much like The Tap was when I first visited years ago; a little rough around the edges, but comfortable as all get out. Lots of promotional clocks, neon signs and various sports bullshit adorn the walls and they’ve got an impressive collection of stubby bottles from the old days above the worn wooden bar. The clientele is largely neighbourhood folks; construction works, older men and sports fans… which doesn’t do much to explain the well stocked juke box (both The Replacements and Sir Mix a Lot) and hot punk rock waitresses. The service is friendly and attentive and they serve a good variety of beer, including 50, Bud and a nice selection of dad drinks (imports and micro brews). I’m just waiting for the night that Moe Berg discovers the place and moves his weekly gig over to Ossington and Bloor, then the transition will be complete.

Other amenities: covered patio out back, NHL Centre Ice

Putting Our Best Foot Forward: The Hamster

What better place to start this little tour than The Hammer; Hamilton that is, for those of you who don’t know Toronto’s worse half. Home to the Tiger Cats, the bottom feeders of the Canadian Football League (three downs not four), our national steel industry and a couple of my favourite bars; The Prince Edward Tavern and the Red Lion Inn aka Beers From Around The World. Make no mistake, these are bars, not pubs and neither of them would know what to do with a keg of Guinness if Santa left it on their doorstep. I came across these gems on our inaugural trip to the Labour Day Classic last August; I hope you’ll understand when I tell you that the details are a bit foggy, but here they are as I remember them:


The Red Lion Inn (King and Bay): This was stop number two on our tour, an early afternoon visit, following plastic tumblers of Molson Canadian at Joe Buttinsky’s on King Street, a cute little lounge annexed to the local strip club that featured a charming handwritten list of blacklisted patrons behind the bar and a note on the front door from the police outlawing glassware following a street fight the night before. The Red Lion, on the other hand, was an oasis of civility by comparison. Well, not really, but they did have glasses; 6 oz. glasses, like the ones favoured by veteran’s halls across the great Midwest. The bartender looked 65, but I’m guessing she was 40 and could have easily beat the snot out of our five person crew. She was, however, one of the sweetest ladies to pour beer (at least in Hamilton) and pour she did. Blue Light by the 18 oz glass at $2:50 (CA) as I remember. Other amenities: a couple of pool tables, a half dozen grizzled Sunday afternoon regulars, lots of wood panelling and a “snack bar.”

The Prince Edward Tavern (737 Barton Street East): We hit this hot spot much later in the day, around 5 pm, about an hour before kick off and it was packed to the gills with fans of both teams. City slickers we may be, but Argos fans we are not. Good thing, because we would have likely had to fight our way out of the place. The ladies led the charge rocking some sweet tiger eared caps and we honourable gents brought up the rear. Straight to the bar for a tray of Bud Light ($25 CA for twenty-five 6 oz glasses). Slammed those standing up then set off for Ivor Wynne to grab our seats, some sausages and tall cans of Coors.

Other amenities: the most wood panelling I’ve ever seen that wasn’t attached to a tree, a couple of televisions, TiCats paraphernalia, locals and a snack bar that I would actually consider eating from.